Lowest price guaranteed! Pt 2.

Getting your groceries

This is simple enough in any store right? Not so much.

This is where your stretching will come in handy. Trolley in both hands, you need to weave your way through the human traffic.

You will inevitably reach a point where you will have to decide on whether to move aside with your trolley to let someone through or play chicken, Shufersal/Mega/Super-Bonus style. Bearing in mind that most Israelis do not know the meaning of the ‘one metre rule’ when moving past someone in the street, upon deciding to move aside make sure to leave extra room.

Like any store, the fresh produce section is always the first one you encounter. There are some things that you must be aware of when trying to get your tomatoes or oranges. The first is old people. More exactly, old people that drop things – they can be very dangerous when wearing flip-flops (thongs for Australians) and a rock hard avocado comes hurling your way. The next thing to know is that if you’re planning to drink an ice cold Corona with a quarter lime in it there’s no chance you will find that elusive lime. For some reason, most supermarkets don’t stock them in Israel. The last thing to know is that finally enough the best produce is exported overseas (mainly citrus fruits to Spain) for absurdly high prices...in Euros...so don’t expect the best of the best.

So you’ve got your fresh produce, that’s great! The easy part is over.

When getting your bread, digging for the bottom piece is not recommended – it will always be the one that someone has taken a piece out of which you will only find out at home much to your dismay. So when buying bread, make sure to turn the item 360 degrees making sure no one has sneaked a bite out of it – again, old people are the prime suspect.

The meat and deli sections are also an interesting experience. You have to contend with people who are only there to taste test every single cheese that is on display as if this is their first time buying any sort of cheese. Be aware that the butcher will mostly ignore you until you approach them and make eye contact – such is customer service in Israel. Chicken and turkey is more loved here in Israel than the red meats such as beef and lamb. Unfortunately for me, as a lamb lover I suffer the most because lamb chops are around double the price anywhere else in the world. You can go for the frozen variety but supermarkets have been known to hold one year old stock of frozen meat – not exactly part of a healthy diet.

No one buys single items anymore, there’s always some 2 for 1 deal, half price for the next item if you buy 2, buy 3 and get the fourth free. Don’t be fooled, these are merely illusions in the way of the truth, the other brands are the same quality and a lower price. No supermarket in Israel is genuinely a benevolent organisation. The only reason things are on sale is that the consumer has not bought them so chances are they are crapilicious – or – their used by date is near so they must: Go! Go! Go!

At the register

So you’ve got all your groceries, ticked off everything in your list and now it is time to go to the cash register. At first you’ll be surprised by the fact that the cashier is sitting down with the bags nowhere near her/him (99% usually her). That’s right, you have to pack your own bags – I guess scanning items is enough to ask of a cashier.

Now, remember the lady we met walking into the store who was soliciting a credit card? Well she’s back, now with her final trick up her sleeve. The cashier asks her if she’s talked to me about a credit card. Her reply is that ‘He doesn’t want it but he’s missing out’. It is at this point that the cashier asks you whether the groceries you have placed down are yours.

So many sly remarks can be made here but it is best to just say ‘Yes...yes they are’ to avoid angering the cashier and an awkward few minutes. While she scans all the items make sure that you have enough plastic bags open so that there’s no grocery traffic jam created at the register. Israel hasn’t caught on to the green bags phenomenon yet so plastic bags are a plenty.

Luckily in Israel all items have a price tag on them so there’s no problem there if one doesn’t scan, it’s all those 2 for 1, half price and 3^rd item free issues that will inevitably cause the machine to crash forcing you to explain that this item is indeed on sale and you’re not just dishonest.

Well now that you’ve paid, got back to your car and put all your groceries in your boot/trunk – all you have to do now is survive the drive home. This will be the last part of the shopping series...

Watch this space.

Lowest price guaranteed! Pt 1.

Ah grocery shopping in Israel – who would have thought that something as simple as going to buy your groceries can be made so difficult by the simplest things.

This is a short guide to the perplexed and for those who are yet to experience the full measure of grocery shopping in Israel. In this first instalment, we will have a look at finding a parking spot and entering the store. More to come next time...

Finding a parking spot

For some reason, and this is beyond the realms of science, Israeli culture forbids anyone to park within the allotted white lines. Parking techniques vary from:

‘I just turned my wheel and stopped the car when I heard a bump’
‘There were three spots available, I went ahead and took all three because I need my space’
‘The car next to me wasn’t straight so in the interest of continuity I parked the same way’
‘It’s ok to mount the curb and park there because...well just because’
‘My driving instructor only had time to teach me how to turn into a parallel parking spot, and not how to break the wheel’
‘Hey there’s a gap between the cars, I’m just gonna go ahead and park perpendicular to both cars’ (A Tel Aviv University special)
‘Red and white on the curb means I can park, right?’
‘Blocking the fire exits is fine as long as you have a fire extinguisher in your car’
‘My van can fit there right?’

Ok so you’ve found a parking spot, good for you! Make sure that your car is far enough from the trolleys (sorry: shopping carts right?) but not SO far that you can’t be bothered getting a trolley yourself.

Make sure your trolley is suitable for quick manoeuvres in tight spaces and is fitted with the latest ABS brakes and air bags, you will need them. There’s nothing worse than a drunk trolley that always moves left or right but never straight.

Have a look out for any suspicious people who are prone to wayward trolley crime. Some prime suspects include – everyone that is holding a trolley at any particular store. Ironically, measures taken to reduce wayward trolley crime have been ineffective in this country, how does that old saying go... trolleys don’t hit cars...people hit cars?

Entering the store

It is suggested that you warm up and stretch all your muscles beforehand, parking away from the store and jogging there will do the trick – you’re not going to find a closer spot anyway so you may as well.

Passing the security guard is easy; he/she will check your bag and move you into the store.
A note here for all males with a side bag – to avoid any awkward moments when said security guard reaches under your bag to feel what’s inside, have the bag on your hip not square under your stomach, security guards invariably feel for something round without looking.

If you thought that once past the security guard you can go ahead and do your shopping you are sadly mistaken. You have one final hurdle to overcome:

‘Would you like to sign up for a Shufersal credit card?’

Yes, there is no organisation I would want handling my credit more than a supermarket...

‘Those with Shufersal credit cards enjoy great savings on sale items!’

It is at this point that you kindly tell the lady you don’t speak any Hebrew – she will leave you, for now.

Well now you have successfully entered an Israeli supermarket, you’ve managed to find a parking spot, get past security and credit sharks, well done!

Tune in next time when we will go over finding your groceries, moving between the aisles and paying for your groceries at the counter...

Peace and Love, the Norwegian Way

It's been a couple of days since I last put on my blogger-outfit and wrote a sparkling post for our famous blog, and the reason is of course the veggie vs. meat conflict. While the cynic and the gossip engaged in a blog post war, I have been standing on the side line like a true Norwegian, trying to get an overview of the situation in order to later lend a hand in the peace talks. As you all should know by now, Norwegians are born with two things:

1.Skis
2.Mad negotiation skills

This is why, in every conflict possible, Norway butts in and force the arguing parts to shake hands. Suuurely you all remember the glorious moment in 1993 when Norway at last made peace possible in the Middle East?


It was during the famous Oslo- accords that the Norwegians introduced their new negotiation style: “Hey hey hey, don't fight! Let's all go home to my place and I'll wait outside while you sort out your problems. Later I'll give my friend full credit for the whole achievement.”

Norway as a country take great pride in being everybody's friend. Your friend. My friend. Palestine's friend. Israel's friend. The underdog's friend. We Norwegians like to think that we are tolerant and awesome, and that everyone should strive to be like us. And we do not like war. We live in our safe Scandinavian bubble and condemn everyone who uses a weapon to fight, nearly regardless of the cause. We want everyone to have peace, love and freedom just like we do, and whenever Israel goes to war, we feel comfortable enough in our friendship to tell them that they are wrong and should bring the Palestinians to our place and talk it all out. It is the Norwegian way.

This week, however, Norway's self-esteem suffered a serious blow when the famous Israeli newspaper The Jerusalem Post put Norway's friendship with Israel to the test by publishing an article in which the Norwegian foreign minister was accused of having yelled “death to the Jews!” in a public demonstration rally in Oslo during the Gaza war. (Long sentence! I dare you to analyze it and translate it into Arabic with the correct case endings and helping vowels.)

This inane article basically suggests that Norway is now the #1 anti-semitic country in Europe. As a gentile, I can't attest to what life is really like for the Jews in Norway, all I can do is to carefully footnote my sources when I say that I think the journalist needs to get her facts right; the article was removed, fixed, and published again after complaints from Norwegian Jews who walk the streets of Norway feeling perfectly safe. And about the “death to the Jews”- incident: our foreign minister of course never said anything of the sort.

In conclusion, Norway is awesome, and the media is to blame for all the madness in the world. All I can say is that today's journalists could really learn a thing or two about footnoting. And to my dear partners in blogging: I invite you to my place for a peace talk- barbie in the near future. Bring your meat and vegetables.