Lowest price guaranteed! Pt 2.

Getting your groceries

This is simple enough in any store right? Not so much.

This is where your stretching will come in handy. Trolley in both hands, you need to weave your way through the human traffic.

You will inevitably reach a point where you will have to decide on whether to move aside with your trolley to let someone through or play chicken, Shufersal/Mega/Super-Bonus style. Bearing in mind that most Israelis do not know the meaning of the ‘one metre rule’ when moving past someone in the street, upon deciding to move aside make sure to leave extra room.

Like any store, the fresh produce section is always the first one you encounter. There are some things that you must be aware of when trying to get your tomatoes or oranges. The first is old people. More exactly, old people that drop things – they can be very dangerous when wearing flip-flops (thongs for Australians) and a rock hard avocado comes hurling your way. The next thing to know is that if you’re planning to drink an ice cold Corona with a quarter lime in it there’s no chance you will find that elusive lime. For some reason, most supermarkets don’t stock them in Israel. The last thing to know is that finally enough the best produce is exported overseas (mainly citrus fruits to Spain) for absurdly high prices...in Euros...so don’t expect the best of the best.

So you’ve got your fresh produce, that’s great! The easy part is over.

When getting your bread, digging for the bottom piece is not recommended – it will always be the one that someone has taken a piece out of which you will only find out at home much to your dismay. So when buying bread, make sure to turn the item 360 degrees making sure no one has sneaked a bite out of it – again, old people are the prime suspect.

The meat and deli sections are also an interesting experience. You have to contend with people who are only there to taste test every single cheese that is on display as if this is their first time buying any sort of cheese. Be aware that the butcher will mostly ignore you until you approach them and make eye contact – such is customer service in Israel. Chicken and turkey is more loved here in Israel than the red meats such as beef and lamb. Unfortunately for me, as a lamb lover I suffer the most because lamb chops are around double the price anywhere else in the world. You can go for the frozen variety but supermarkets have been known to hold one year old stock of frozen meat – not exactly part of a healthy diet.

No one buys single items anymore, there’s always some 2 for 1 deal, half price for the next item if you buy 2, buy 3 and get the fourth free. Don’t be fooled, these are merely illusions in the way of the truth, the other brands are the same quality and a lower price. No supermarket in Israel is genuinely a benevolent organisation. The only reason things are on sale is that the consumer has not bought them so chances are they are crapilicious – or – their used by date is near so they must: Go! Go! Go!

At the register

So you’ve got all your groceries, ticked off everything in your list and now it is time to go to the cash register. At first you’ll be surprised by the fact that the cashier is sitting down with the bags nowhere near her/him (99% usually her). That’s right, you have to pack your own bags – I guess scanning items is enough to ask of a cashier.

Now, remember the lady we met walking into the store who was soliciting a credit card? Well she’s back, now with her final trick up her sleeve. The cashier asks her if she’s talked to me about a credit card. Her reply is that ‘He doesn’t want it but he’s missing out’. It is at this point that the cashier asks you whether the groceries you have placed down are yours.

So many sly remarks can be made here but it is best to just say ‘Yes...yes they are’ to avoid angering the cashier and an awkward few minutes. While she scans all the items make sure that you have enough plastic bags open so that there’s no grocery traffic jam created at the register. Israel hasn’t caught on to the green bags phenomenon yet so plastic bags are a plenty.

Luckily in Israel all items have a price tag on them so there’s no problem there if one doesn’t scan, it’s all those 2 for 1, half price and 3^rd item free issues that will inevitably cause the machine to crash forcing you to explain that this item is indeed on sale and you’re not just dishonest.

Well now that you’ve paid, got back to your car and put all your groceries in your boot/trunk – all you have to do now is survive the drive home. This will be the last part of the shopping series...

Watch this space.

Lowest price guaranteed! Pt 1.

Ah grocery shopping in Israel – who would have thought that something as simple as going to buy your groceries can be made so difficult by the simplest things.

This is a short guide to the perplexed and for those who are yet to experience the full measure of grocery shopping in Israel. In this first instalment, we will have a look at finding a parking spot and entering the store. More to come next time...

Finding a parking spot

For some reason, and this is beyond the realms of science, Israeli culture forbids anyone to park within the allotted white lines. Parking techniques vary from:

‘I just turned my wheel and stopped the car when I heard a bump’
‘There were three spots available, I went ahead and took all three because I need my space’
‘The car next to me wasn’t straight so in the interest of continuity I parked the same way’
‘It’s ok to mount the curb and park there because...well just because’
‘My driving instructor only had time to teach me how to turn into a parallel parking spot, and not how to break the wheel’
‘Hey there’s a gap between the cars, I’m just gonna go ahead and park perpendicular to both cars’ (A Tel Aviv University special)
‘Red and white on the curb means I can park, right?’
‘Blocking the fire exits is fine as long as you have a fire extinguisher in your car’
‘My van can fit there right?’

Ok so you’ve found a parking spot, good for you! Make sure that your car is far enough from the trolleys (sorry: shopping carts right?) but not SO far that you can’t be bothered getting a trolley yourself.

Make sure your trolley is suitable for quick manoeuvres in tight spaces and is fitted with the latest ABS brakes and air bags, you will need them. There’s nothing worse than a drunk trolley that always moves left or right but never straight.

Have a look out for any suspicious people who are prone to wayward trolley crime. Some prime suspects include – everyone that is holding a trolley at any particular store. Ironically, measures taken to reduce wayward trolley crime have been ineffective in this country, how does that old saying go... trolleys don’t hit cars...people hit cars?

Entering the store

It is suggested that you warm up and stretch all your muscles beforehand, parking away from the store and jogging there will do the trick – you’re not going to find a closer spot anyway so you may as well.

Passing the security guard is easy; he/she will check your bag and move you into the store.
A note here for all males with a side bag – to avoid any awkward moments when said security guard reaches under your bag to feel what’s inside, have the bag on your hip not square under your stomach, security guards invariably feel for something round without looking.

If you thought that once past the security guard you can go ahead and do your shopping you are sadly mistaken. You have one final hurdle to overcome:

‘Would you like to sign up for a Shufersal credit card?’

Yes, there is no organisation I would want handling my credit more than a supermarket...

‘Those with Shufersal credit cards enjoy great savings on sale items!’

It is at this point that you kindly tell the lady you don’t speak any Hebrew – she will leave you, for now.

Well now you have successfully entered an Israeli supermarket, you’ve managed to find a parking spot, get past security and credit sharks, well done!

Tune in next time when we will go over finding your groceries, moving between the aisles and paying for your groceries at the counter...

I'll have the meatlovers thanks

'Eat Lamb on Australia Day!'

That was and still is the theme of every January 26 since 2005 when the lamb industry in Australia decided to go on the offensive against those 'health' experts claiming our love affair with meat was causing Australians to be morbidly obese.

For the record, Australians are per capita the fattest people on earth, higher than the US so at least we can claim to be a world leader in something 'substantial'.

I can't imagine a world where we would all be eating vegetarian food, I mean it's OK as a side dish, or mixed in with meat but on its own?!

There's something magical about cooking your own piece of lamb to perfection, its juicy red meat sizzling with flavour. Imagine cooking a vegetable... just wait until it shrivels up enough and has lost all flavour for it be cooked. Then throw enough teriyaki/soy sauce on it until the vegetable surrenders.

Imagine for a moment what an Australia day barbie

[not the doll for those blissfully unaware] would be like.

Instead of eating lamb chops, sausages, steak, burgers and chicken wings all that we would be left to cook would be things we thought were named after some sort of chronic illness:

Brussels sprouts, kohlrabi, leek, parsnips, rhubarb...

'Yeah man, I came down with a bad case of parsnips it was horrible'

'Those brussels sprouts can get really itchy'

If you are a vegetarian you can't have some beer with your meal either, it just doesn't work.

And what about the meat pie!... the sausage roll?! Or the late night hot dog with cheese and tomato sauce from Harry's Cafe de Wheels [google it if you're not from Sydney]. Or if you're really crazy: a meat pie with potato, gravy and peas on top.

It's not just eating the meat, it's the whole experience and culture around it. I can't imagine myself sitting with my friends eating late night broccoli outside Harry's.

So I return to my original point, eating veggies is a good thing, but by themselves - no way - no amount of deep fried falafel will induce me to turn away from meat for a supposedly guilt free diet.

After all, 'throw another 'broc on the barbie' doesn't quite have that ring to it...

On etiquette...

It seems as if Generation Me are living up to their name. Leave it to the cynic to find out the hard way.

I was all packed and ready to go up to my weekly escape in Haifa for the weekend when I began to make my way out of my dorm room.

Delighted that this meant another week gone by in the worst maintained buildings on earth - I lifted my bag [ I mean a medium sized suitcase that looks like a sport bag] remembering to bend my knees and lift with my legs like a good OH&S person will tell you.

Riding this wave of relief I proceeded to walk down the stairs and make my way to Arabic class when I was greeted by not one, not two, not three, but yes, FOUR girls who wanted to make their way up the stairs.

Totally ignorant to the fact that:

1. my bag was horizontal and they could not fit past me

2. my bag was 20 kilos (44 pounds for those that use that archaic system)

3. I was the one coming down the stairs

The first girl managed to squeeze past, the second barely, the third forced me to move my back and scrape half the wall with what is likely carcinogenic paint.

Finally comes the fourth girl, I thought maybe... JUUUUUUUUUST maybe they would realise that a person carrying a bag down the stairs means you should move aside so they can get through...

But alas - this did not take place as I had to again stop because this girl somehow managed to walk under my bag.

That wasn't the end of the story though, oh no...

It was at this point that those people who realise they're wrong and just move on keep walking up the stairs but I was met with howls of "DUDE DUDE DUDE"

"Yes?" I enquired, still holding my bag.

"You could've said sorry," the girl said.

"It would've been easier had you moved aside," I replied.

The girls walked up the stairs but not before the foul cry of "Asshole" rang out and echoed through the stairwell.

I, like the normal person I am went on my way putting it down to just a freak series of events and thought nothing of it.

The roommate above me was then asked whether I was his roommate at which point he saw these aforementioned girls knocking on every door trying to hunt down the guy who had the audacity to walk down the stairs with a heavy bag hoping someone will move aside for two seconds to let him through.

I simply ask where do you draw the line when you decide to move aside or just walk past someone?

Did I need to be carrying a fridge for them to move aside?

Or maybe a plasma screen?

Or maybe the answer is just hold your heavy item until people walk past you.

Here's to one less week of having to carry my bag down those ill fated dorm room stairs.

L'chaim.

- the cynic -

Reader beware, context is important.

It’s that time of year again, when Jews worldwide will soon sit down and eat cardboard flavoured matza, bitter herbs and of course, lots of rice but only if your forefathers were clever enough to figure out how to separate the wheat and rice grains in the market. Or of course gefilta fish if your forefathers were clever enough to figure out the worst possible way to eat a fish.

But this post is not about the spirit of Pesach that fills us over seven glorious bread free days.

On Wednesday our Overseas Program office ran a blood drive for students. A good deal of these students are not Jewish so the timing of this makes it just that little bit awkward given the fact that we are just a week or so away from Pesach.

Did I hear anyone say blood libel?

-the cynic-

You only hide, because you know I'll find you...

I do sympathise with the gossiper’s ill fated adventures on the much maligned Israeli dating scene. While I do hold Israeli citizenship, I apparently must’ve missed that memo of Israeli behaviour.

That shouldn’t detach from the fact that buying flowers and asking a girl out doesn’t quite cut it anymore, for girls there is that ever elusive chase for a guy that will be creative when declaring his (sometimes over) admiration for you.

Even serenading her with a song you wrote on your guitar (something I’m sure Davide will do soon) is no sure bet that she won’t be put off. The ‘dating scene’ is heavily stacked in the female’s favour much to the dismay of us males.

It is perhaps because of these high standards that have been set in our generation that only those types that are creepy (and not in the Johnny

Depp kind of way) will approach the ladies with their fine pick up lines that mostly include some combination of the words ‘cute’ ‘number’ ‘coffee’ ‘no’ and ‘pressure’... I’m sure thanks to Anchorman, that list has been extended to include ‘I wanna be on you.’

I would hazard to guess that if the situation was reversed and it was the girl saying these things, the guy would want to have that moment framed to show all his guy friends what a champion he is by getting a girl’s number just by lazily sitting drinking coffee.

It is these high standards that have surreptitiously cast all the good intentioned guys only wishing to make that lasting connection with someone they deem worthy. Where before the creeps would be filtered out by these ‘good guys’, now they are the only ones that play the field.

Meeting a boy through friends in dangerous territory, you run the fine line between becoming friends which we all know is the bringer of death to any chances such a boy has in ever wanting something more in all but the rarest occasions.

So how can we negotiate these slippery slopes? Will flowers help now?

The answer to the latter is: yes, provided you are able to answer the former.

As someone who’s name conveniently eludes me once said to me, for men the key is confidence and not becoming too good friends so as to not blur the boundaries. Sound advice, but hard to implement.

I think what this person meant is that we should release our past burdens which anchor us to the shore when trying to set sail to another unknown destination. While we can draw from it, all too easily can we get bogged down in the one you never said anything to because you were too scared, you deemed yourself unworthy or they went overseas with no knowledge of your feelings.

All of these are immaterial and whatever the case may be, I believe that if we carried all our baggage with us, we would never make it to that unknown destination – we would just be stuck at port watching all the other ships take to the sea and disappear off into the horizon.

-the cynic-

Israeli media (not the IDF) guilty of shooting first and asking questions later

Maybe certain members of the Israeli media establishment are trying to get back at the IDF for not letting them cover the recent Operation: Cast Lead in Gaza. Or maybe they are angry at how the Gilad Schalit saga has now surpassed its 1000th day.

Whatever the hidden reason may be, it does not negate the fact that by releasing ‘witness’ accounts in a special Haaretz ‘expose’ they displayed gross journalistic incompetence usually reserved for the likes of tabloid newspapers and Israel bashing professionals.

I say ‘witness’ and ‘expose’ because you have to sift through the rhetoric and emotive language to understand that this was part of a group therapy session for front line soldiers who took part in Cast Lead. Furthermore, this ‘expose’ presupposes that the IDF are trying to hide information or mislead the public with regards to the tactics used during Cast Lead and is also a sign of its tabloid nature. Israeli journalists have a close working relationship with the IDF, Foreign Ministry and Prime Minister’s Office – I guess they believed this story was worthy of sidelining such a relationship.

Haaretz did succeed in getting their story out to the world audience, headlines run along these lines:

‘Soldiers’ Accounts of Gaza Killings Raise Furor in Israel’
‘Israeli military to probe Gaza campaign allegations’
‘Israeli soldiers admit deliberately killing unarmed civilians in Gaza’

These headlines are complete with photos that are nauseatingly out of context and just make you want to sigh in despair.

But we must also ask ourselves why it took over a month for these to go public? According to the Haaretz report, the soldiers met on the 13th of February. The Haaretz report ironically did not wish to publish the names of the soldiers making these claims to protect them from public backlash, though they did not see a need to protect the other 98% of the IDF that also have a well earned reputation. They will not be spared the public backlash that will ensue in the coming few days – the vast majority of them will not even be present when this occurs on university campuses, editorials, blogs and human rights websites where they will again be unable to respond (not that anyone will listen).

These were stories after all, the soldiers did not actually carry out the events described in their debrief but that is not the point: There were tens of thousands of IDF soldiers in Gaza during the operation. That means tens of thousands of stories each with their own unique perspective on the conflict. Tens of thousands of incidents, near misses, confusions, lucky escapes and military operations.

Finally, without footage and IDF documents all that we can rely on now are these stories which shape and redefine our reality of the Gaza conflict – humans are after all storytellers. Good stories sell newspapers and make the headlines but I doubt that will be any comfort to the soldiers who fought in Cast Lead and to those who will say that once again the media has missed the boat on the morality of Israel’s conflict with Hamas - unfortunately for us it was a misguided member of the Israeli media but the world media did not (and will not) hesitate to follow suit.